You Heard It Here First

The NSA will shortly announce the first steps it has taken to prevent a recurrence of leaks like those recently made my Edward Snowden. I don’t have the whole press release—my call with the informant was cut off by technical difficulties. Presumably the rest will be published next week.
 

“As part of our ongoing efforts to maximize transparency, the NSA wants to reassure the American public that their concerns over the security of our systems are being listened to. We’re implementing thoroughgoing institutional changes to meet the challenges raised by recent episodes of whistleblowing. For example, new personnel will now be screened using special psychological tests that can detect even low levels of personal integrity, public spirit, or idealism. We want to make sure that all NSA employees are reliable and trustworthy individuals who, in accord with American way, are motivated solely by careerism. In the future, you can sleep soundly, knowing that your safety and liberty are in reliable hands.”