On a long drive to Los Angeles I got bored enough to compose some limericks in my head. I suppose this exercise in free association reveals something about me; but since it was random things I saw out the windshield that inspired these stinkers, maybe I was actually psychoanalyzing I-5. Hegel claimed that the sciences and other human institutions constituted what he called Objective Reason. This is my contribution to Objective Nonsense.
Said an auto mechanic in Texas
As he sexually assaulted a Lexus,
“I don’t mean to hurt her
Catalytic converter;
But, damn! That’s the gadget that checks us.
I confess I’m nonplussed for the nonce.
I’ve forgotten the meaning of sconce.
I believe that “soigné’”
Means “billboard” in L.A.
And guess that a “prelate’s” a ponce.
“My dreams have evolved, “ he said jovially,
“In lieu of evening with Bovary,
I’d bugger Gumby
In the back of a Humvee
While whistling Donna e mobile.
The governing rules are cuckoo
From Peoria down to Peru.
It makes scarcely a ripple
When a man bares a nipple,
But the feminine tit is taboo.
There’s a winsome young lady in Dallas
Who’s the cure for a flexible phallus.
I don’t mean to nag you,
But you won’t need Viagra
If ever you chance to see Alice.
I disdain ordinary disease.
It’s recherché ailments for me:
Coccidioides,
Polyploidy,
Or a prurient interest in bees.
“You gals should be grateful,” said Fritz,
Repeating one of his favorite bits,
“As I’ve told you all oft,
Your bras would fall off
If God hadn’t given you tits. “
Though it’s proving a difficult sell,
Reagan’s trying to privatize Hell.
Each bankrupt corporation
Once found in our nation
Is lobbying Satan as well.
No one’s happy about senility
With its various over-the-Hillites,
Yet I find that Alzheimer’s
Much worse for us rhymers
Who are stumped at the end of the verse.